Spoiler alert! you all know how much I hate hearing details of a movie I haven’t seen so this is your warning!

First off, let me say that I saw The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor when I was hanging with some friends and we needed to kill a couple of hours. And it wasn’t like “Oh man we gotta see this movie!” It was more like “Well, this is going to have to cook for a few hours. Let’s go see a movie or something.”

Man this movie sucked! Call it cgfx porn in the purest sense. In the same way that porn uses the thinnest plots and weakest dialog to justify extended sex scenes (um, I mean, so I’ve heard)…

…this movie uses thin plot and lame dialog to justify the special effects. But the thing is, the effects aren’t even that good! But the medocre effects aren’t even the beginning of why the movie is so bad. Let’s start with the over-use of telegraphed cliches: watch as our hero tries to run away from someone who can magically throw fire by hijacking a truck full of fireworks; then let’s have an immortal guardian; next we’ll have a young couple who obviously share an attraction but are in denial because they’re from different worlds. The list goes on.

More stuff that sucked: Rachel Weisz was replaced as Evie by Maria Bello. Like we wouldn’t notice. She doesn’t look, talk or act at all like Weisz. She doesn’t even have the same kind of accent. Luke Ford plays Rick and Evie’s now-full-grown son Alex. Similar to the way Christian Slater channeled Jack Nicholson for his role in Heathers, Ford choses for his role in Mummy3 to channel… Iron Chef Bobby Flay?

The antagonist, the resurrected Emperor Han, has the ability to morph himself into a dragon - not a snaky Chinese style dragon, which would make sense cause they are in China after all, but a fat fire breathing european style dragon with huge leather wings. And dont get me started on the Yetis… just don’t, okay?

Probably the biggest crime of this movie was the complete waste of Michelle Yeoh. Whether it’s kung fu movies or James Bond, Yeoh normally moves with a grace that is a delight to watch. (Yeah, I’m refering to fights and action sequences.) But in Mummy3 she’s got only one short fight and it’s all slow motion closeups. It’s like director Rob Cohen wanted to make sure there was nothing redemable about this movie. Well if that was his goal, it’s almost perfect in that respect.

Almost. Isabella Leong is really cute.